Welcome to Hell

Teddy Jameson awakens nude and confused in what appears to be a tropical paradise. His guide looks like Brad Pitt and the grounds look like a Sandals Resort. Nice, right? The only problem is that his guide has greeted him with these solemn words, "Mr. Theodore Carter Hugh Jameson, may I be the first to welcome you to Hell." Hell? That Hell seems to be an upscale and very expensive Caribbean resort and the man his guide introduces as the Devil appears to be a genial blonde-haired host in white shorts, polo shirt and sneakers with a passion for tennis, certainly adds to Teddy's confusion. Where's the fire and brimstone? Where are the horns and long pointed tail usually associated with the Devil? If this is Hell, it has certainly had a makeover. Unfortunately, a certain degree of panic is setting in fast. In less than 24 hours Teddy, in line for a full professorship, is meeting with the chairperson of his department who can make or break his career. And as Teddy informs his guide, "I want my career as well-made as a French whore's silk-sheeted bed!" His whole career is in danger of being lost if he misses that important meeting. What the hell is going on? Teddy suddenly thinks he just might know what is happening to him and why. This weird set-up seems as if it might be a joke played on him by his jealous, alcohol loving friend Bernie who, Teddy believes, wants to sabotage this very important meeting for him. That bastard Bernie has had him drugged and kidnapped!But as hours go by in a heat that is becoming unbearable, that idea fades. Teddy witnesses a woman being drowned and then coming back to life twenty-five times. A man is burned to death, rises alive like the Phoenix only to have the horror happen over and over again. Teddy knows his friend Bernie isn't smart enough to mastermind such an elaborate hoax that has so many strange and horrible twist and turns. His charming host darkly hints at certain unbreakable rules and regulations and insists that Teddy really does know where he is and why he's here. And what about Hell itself? If this really is Hell what is his beloved Uncle Charlie, a kind and gentle soul, doing there? What sin did he ever commit? In explanation his smiling host in tennis whites tells him, "Mr. Jameson, there are many different ways in which a person arrives here. Very few come here by the traditional method of selling their soul to the Devil. That's so old hat! You don't have to be a Hitler, a pedophile, a mass murderer, or a rapist to end up in Hell. It's all much more complex. There are certain...technicalities so to speak, certain...rules to be observed."