Bøger udgivet af David Bruce

The doing of good deeds is important. As a free person, you can choose to live your life as a good person or as a bad person. To be a good person, do good deeds. To be a bad person, do bad deeds. If you do good deeds, you will become good. If you do bad deeds, you will become bad. To become the person you want to be, act as if you already are that kind of person. Each of us chooses what kind of person we will become. To become a good person, do the things a good person does. To become a bad person, do the things a bad person does. The opportunity to take action to become the kind of person you want to be is yours. This book is a collection of stories of good deeds. Most of them I have encountered in my reading of books, then retold in my own words. A very few come from other sources. This book is organized by topic. Many people in the arts, in religion, and in everyday life have done good deeds, and I am happy that such people exist in this world.

A Few Samples:¿ Dodger catcher Roy Campanella used to tell Dodger pitchers, "Now you young pitchers just throw what ol' Roy calls and I'll make you a winner." After losing a game, however, Dodger pitcher Carl Erskine would show Mr. Campanella the box score that said, "Erskine losing pitcher," and ask him whether instead it should say, "Campanella losing catcher." Mr. Campanella would laugh and reply, "You can always shake me off."¿ A preacher in a small-town church was offered a job at twice the salary preaching in a big-city church. A member of the congregation, wondering whether the preacher would accept the job, stopped by the preacher's house and knocked on the door. The preacher's daughter answered the door, and he asked her where the preacher was. She replied, "He's on his knees praying for divine guidance about whether to accept the job offer." He then asked, "Where's your mother?" The preacher's daughter replied, "She's upstairs packing."¿ The World Wide Web has a number of interesting sites about health, including , which includes a questionnaire that it uses to calculate your expected lifespan. Jonathan Pond's nine-year-old daughter wanted to fill out the questionnaire, and thinking of an educational use of the questionnaire, he told her, "Fill it out as if you are doing everything bad for your health ¿ drugs, booze, bad diet, no exercise, smoking, and so on." His daughter did, and she discovered that the Web site calculated that she would die at age 17.

A Few Samples:¿ Frank Sinatra and Sammy Davis, Jr., were friends, but when Sammy started taking cocaine, Frank dropped him as a friend - fast. For three years, they didn't talk, but then they happened to meet again. Frank said, "Sam, I'm so f**king disappointed in you, with that s**t. Dump it. You're breaking your friends' hearts, Sam." Sammy replied, "I'll give it up, Frank." Then he gave it up.¿ Someone told Mother Teresa that they would not touch a leper for even a million dollars. Mother Teresa replied, "Neither would I. If it were a case of money, I would not even do it for two million. On the other hand, I do it gladly for love of God."¿ In 1948, Israel fought a war for independence, despite shortages of weapons. Sometimes, Israelites were told to pretend that they had weapons. For example, a soldier on guard duty was told to pretend that he had a gun, as no guns were available. That night, he heard someone coming toward him, and he yelled, "Stop! Or I'll shoot!" The person kept coming toward him, and when the person got close enough, the sentry saw with relief that it was another unarmed Israeli soldier. The sentry said, "Why didn't you stop? You could have gotten killed!" The other Israeli soldier replied, "You couldn't have hurt me. I'm a tank."

This is a quick, easy read.1) At the 1968 Mexico City Olympic Games, Tommie Smith and John Carlos made a memorable political protest against USAmerican racism. After finishing first and third in the 200-meter race, they stood on the winners podium, received their medals, and then each man raised a black-gloved fist in the air. Later, at a news conference, Mr. Carlos stated, "We want to make it clear that white people seem to think black people are animals doing a job. We want people to understand that we are not animals or rats." They paid a heavy price for their protest. They were expelled from the rest of the Olympics, and some people even sent cow manure and dead animals to Mr. Smith's mother. Mr. Smith thinks the stress contributed to her death two years after the Olympics. He also notes that following the protest people treated him as if he had committed murder. Today, both men are respected.2) A young, green umpire told minor-league umpire Harry "Steamboat" Johnson, "I'm a plate umpire," and Steamboat said, "OK." He let the young umpire work behind home plate, wearing the bulky chest protector in the hot summer sun, until the young umpire asked him, "Mr. Johnson, aren't I ever going to work the bases?" Steamboat, who had been enjoying not wearing all the bulky home umpire gear, replied, "I thought you said you were a plate umpire."

This book includes 250 anecdotes about religion, including this one: Many baseball players are religious. Jimmy Piersall was noted for using his bat to scratch a cross in the dirt before hitting. New York Yankee catcher Yogi Berra, who was also very religious, noticed Mr. Piersall do this one game. As soon as Mr. Piersall had made the sign of the cross in the dirt with his bat, Mr. Berra used his glove to rub out the cross, then told him, "Why don't you let God just watch the game?"

1) In September 2008, James Meeks, a Baptist minister and state senator, organized an impressive act of activism. He led a boycott of Chicago Public Schools by nearly 1,000 students and instead bused them to two affluent North Shore schools. His purpose was to show the differences in funding and quality of education in the schools in different areas of Illinois. According to an article in the Chicago Tribune, "In a funding system fueled largely by local property taxes, New Trier Township spent nearly $17,000 per student in 2005-06 and Sunset Ridge spent about $16,000, while Chicago Public Schools spent an estimated $10,400 per pupil." A post by Paul Tough at highlighted just how good New Trier Township High School is, calling it "a public school with four orchestras, a rowing club, a course in 'kinetic wellness,' and AP (Advanced Placement) classes in French, Spanish, German, Japanese, Latin, and Chinese." The students from Chicago Public Schools were mainly black, while the students in New Trier Township High School were mainly white. Mr. Meeks said, "If they can call an emergency session for capital projects, they can call an emergency session to deal with education. This is human capital. This is a 30-year problem, the system of funding education."2) At Ponce de Leon High School in Holmes County, Florida, some students taunted a senior because she was a lesbian. She asked a teacher's aide for help, the teacher's aide informed principal David Davis, and Mr. Davis told the student that it was wrong to be gay, and he informed her parents that their daughter was a lesbian-her father wanted to kick her out. Other students wanted to show support for the lesbian student, so they started wearing gay-friendly T-shirts and started writing "Gay Pride" on their bodies. The principal responded by banning these forms of free speech. A brave heterosexual student, Heather Gillman, who has a lesbian cousin, responded by writing the school board, which backed up the principal's ban on free speech. She then sued the school board. Federal Judge Richard Smoak, a Republican appointee, came to the rescue, and in the 2008 court case Gillman vs. School Board for Holmes County, he stated, "The robust exchange of political ideas is essential in a vibrant, progressive society and is precisely the type of speech that is sacrosanct under the First Amendment." The ban on free speech was lifted at Ponce de Leon High School in Holmes County, Florida. In fact, the judge ruled, "Defendants are ordered to take such affirmative steps necessary to remediate the past restraints of the expression of the support for respect, equal treatment and acceptance of homosexuals, including but not limited to notifying in writing the Ponce de Leon High School student body and the middle school students and school officials within Holmes County school district that students are permitted to express support for, respect, equal treatment and fair acceptance of homosexuals…."3) Patrick Henry advocated the independence of America from the rule of Great Britain. On March 23, 1775, he made a famous speech that ended, "Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!" The ending words so resonated with the American spirit that some soldiers had the words "LIBERTY OR DEATH" put on their uniforms. Such speeches also earned Mr. Henry the nickname "Son of Thunder."

1) In 2008 in San Francisco, a group known as the Presidential Memorial Commission of San Francisco wanted to change the name of the Oceanside Water Pollution Control Plant. Because of President George W. Bush's record as overseer of the country's welfare, they wanted the sewage treatment plant's name changed to the George W. Bush Sewage Plant. To do that, they submitted to San Francisco election officials over 10,000 signatures in order to get their initiative on the ballot. According to organizer Brian McConnell, "We think that it's important to remember our leaders in the right historical context. In President Bush's case, we think that we will be cleaning up a substantial mess for the next 10 or 20 years. The sewage treatment facility's job is to clean up a mess, so we think it's a fitting tribute." In the opinion of this writer, Mr. McConnell is optimistic. It will take much longer than 10 to 20 years to clean up President Bush's mess. To be fair to President Bush, he did what he set out to do-transfer much more of the nation's wealth to the already wealthy. President Bush simply did not and does not care about non-wealthy people like the author of his book.2) Apple Macintosh was introduced to Americans in 1984 in a TV commercial that aired during the Super Bowl. The commercial opened with the face of Big Brother projected hugely on a TV screen, telling the zombie-like masses, "For today, we celebrate the first glorious anniversary of the Information Purification Directives. We have created, for the first time in all history, a garden of pure ideology where each worker may bloom secure from the pests of contradictory and confusing truths. Our Unification of Thought is more powerful a weapon than any fleet or army on earth." As Big Brother speaks, a woman carrying a sledgehammer runs into the room of zombies as she is pursued by the Thought Police. She throws the sledgehammer into the TV screen, which explodes. The commercial ends with the announcer saying, "On January 24, Apple Computer will introduce Macintosh. And you'll see why 1984 won't be like '1984.'" The commercial was almost not shown during the Super Bowl. The directors of Apple disliked the commercial, and wanted the advertising agency to sell the two Super Bowl time slots it had purchased for commercials. The agency, Chiat/Day, sold one slot, but lied and said it could not sell the other. The commercial ran in that slot, and it was wildly successful in launching Macintosh.3) In 1959, poet Adrienne Rich gave birth to her third child (all of her children were sons), and she decided to have herself sterilized. These days, such a decision is not especially controversial, but back then some people greatly disapproved. Ms. Rich remembers, "When I awoke from the operation, a young nurse looked at my chart and remarked coldly, 'Had yourself spayed, did you?'"

Some samples: 1) When the United States was fighting the war in Vietnam, a sergeant wrote famed photographer Yousuf Karsh and requested a copy of a portrait that he had taken of Eleanor Roosevelt. Mr. Karsh wondered why a young man would be interested in a portrait of a woman who had been First Lady before he was born, so he wrote the soldier. As it turned out, the soldier was not young, but instead he was a career soldier who had been wounded in the Korean War. Ms. Roosevelt had visited him and many other wounded soldiers. Of course, Ms. Roosevelt was not a great beauty, but she was a great human being who genuinely cared for other people. She showed genuine concern for this soldier and other soldiers. The soldier wrote Mr. Karsh, "When she came in, I thought she was the homeliest woman I ever seen-and when she left, the most beautiful." 2) In 1969, the town of Picoaza, Ecuador, elected as its mayor a foot powder named Pulvapies. This is what happened. Taking advantage of an upcoming election, the Pulvapies foot powder company rolled out an advertising campaign that made it seem as if their foot powder was a real person who was really running for mayor. The ads proclaimed in big letters: VOTE FOR PULVAPIES. Of course, a foot powder cannot become mayor, so the election was voided, a new election was held, and a real human being was elected mayor. However, the new mayor made himself unpopular, and these signs appeared in the town of Picoaza: "BRING BACK PULVAPIES!" and "PULVAPIES, THE BEST MAYOR WE EVER HAD!" 3) President George W. Bush was widely despised both at home and abroad. In Seattle, Washington, a manufacturer of backpacks and laptop bags doubled sales because its products have a tiny laundry label that says, "Nous sommes desoles que notre president soit un idiot. Nous n'avons pas vote pour lui." Translated from the French, the label says, "We are sorry that our president is an idiot. We did not vote for him." 4) Australians know how to engage in activism. When the Australian prime minister would not apologize to Aborigine peoples because of the removal of Aboriginal children from their homes, 250,000 people in Sydney walked on the Sydney Harbour bridge on May 28, 2000, and a plane above the bridge skywrote the word "Sorry."

This is an easy-to-read retelling of the anonymous play ARDEN OF FEVERSHAM. The real-life Arden of Faversham was murdered in 1551 in England.Do you know a language other than English? If you do, I give you permission to translate this book, copyright your translation, publish or self-publish it, and keep all the royalties for yourself. (Do give me credit, of course, for the original retelling.)I would like to see my retellings of classic literature used in schools, so I give permission to the country of Finland (and all other countries) to give copies of any or all of my retellings to all students forever. I also give permission to the state of Texas (and all other states) to give copies of any or all of my retellings to all students forever. I also give permission to all teachers to give copies of any or all of my retellings to all students forever. Of course, libraries are welcome to use my eBooks for free.Teachers need not actually teach my retellings. Teachers are welcome to give students copies of my eBooks as background material. For example, if they are teaching Homer's Iliad and Odyssey, teachers are welcome to give students copies of my Virgil's Aeneid: A Retelling in Prose and tell them, "Here's another ancient epic you may want to read in your spare time."

Academy Awards¿ In 2008, Charlize Theron, 32 years old and an Oscar-winner as Best Actress in the movie Monster, and AnnaSophia Robb, 14 years old and the lead actress in the kids' movie Because of Winn-Dixie, starred together in the movie Sleepwalking. Normally, actors will study each other's work before acting together; however, Ms. Robb had seen very few movies starring Ms. Theron. Why? She explains, "My parents won't let me see them, especially Monster." In Monster, Ms. Theron played a street prostitute and murderer, Of course, winning an Oscar for Monster was very satisfying for Ms. Theron, especially because it was so hard to get the movie made and to find distribution for it. Ms. Theron says, "There wasn't one person in this industry who wanted that film made. We had our financiers calling us at 3 a.m. and asking us what the h*ll we were doing. They didn't like the way I looked [the beautiful Ms. Theron put on weight for the movie and looked ugly], and they wondered who would want to see this movie. When we finished, we couldn't pay a distributor to take it. We were hours away from signing a straight-to-video deal with Blockbuster when we found a distributor. For that reason alone, the Oscar was especially sweet.¿ At one time, film producer Harvey Weinstein tried to convince Barbra Streisand to star in the movie version of Chicago, which was to be directed by Anthony Minghella, who had just directed The English Patient. Always a straight talker, Ms. Streisand told Mr. Weinstein and Mr. Minghella over dinner that The English Patient was "overlong and overpraised." Later, of course, The English Patient was nominated for 12 Academy Awards and won nine, including Oscars for Best Picture and Best Director. At the Academy Awards, Ms. Streisand was seated directly behind Mr. Weinstein and Mr. Minghella. As The English Patient won Oscar after Oscar, Ms. Streisand was a good sport, patting Mr. Weinstein and Mr. Minghella on the back and laughing at her critical appraisal of The English Patient. Mr. Minghella even told Mr. Weinstein about Ms. Streisand, "She ended up being our good luck charm."¿ A famous scene in the movie Jerry Maguire, starring Tom Cruise and Cuba Gooding, Jr., occurs when Mr. Gooding's character, a football player, makes Mr. Cruise's title character, a sports agent named Jerry Maguire, jump through a few hoops before he allows Mr. Maguire to continue to represent him. One hoop is to shout "Show me the money!" like he meant it. Jerry does that, and he gets to continue to represent Mr. Gooding's character. Mr. Cruise was nominated for an Oscar as Best Actor, and Mr. Gooding was nominated for an Oscar as Best Supporting Actor. After learning about the nominations, they got together on the telephone and shouted. Mr. Gooding says, "We screamed at each other for ten minutes. It was nothing intelligent, just 'Arrrggghhh! Ahhh! Yeaaahhh!' I yelled. He yelled. Then he went hoarse."

This is an easy-to-read retelling of Thomas Middleton and Thomas Dekker's THE ROARING GIRL: A Retelling. Reading this retelling first will make reading the original play much easier to understand. For Mature Readers only due to adult humor.Do you know a language other than English? If you do, I give you permission to translate this book, copyright your translation, publish or self-publish it, and keep all the royalties for yourself. (Do give me credit, of course, for the original retelling.)I would like to see my retellings of classic literature used in schools, so I give permission to the country of Finland (and all other countries) to give copies of any or all of my retellings to all students forever. I also give permission to the state of Texas (and all other states) to give copies of any or all of my retellings to all students forever. I also give permission to all teachers to give copies of any or all of my retellings to all students forever. Of course, libraries are welcome to use my eBooks for free.Teachers need not actually teach my retellings. Teachers are welcome to give students copies of my eBooks as background material. For example, if they are teaching Homer's Iliad and Odyssey, teachers are welcome to give students copies of my Virgil's Aeneid: A Retelling in Prose and tell them, "Here's another ancient epic you may want to read in your spare time.

This book contains 250 funny and entertaining anecdotes, including these: 1) G.K. Chesterton was able to lose himself in a subject. A very overweight man, Mr. Chesterton was once sitting in a chair, discussing a subject, when the chair collapsed on him. He moved to another chair and continued the discussion at the exact word he had left off. The people present were convinced that he had barely noticed the collapsing chair and his move to a sturdier seat. 2) Saul Bellow and his literary agent, Harriet Wasserman, once had dinner at the home of Allan Bloom (also represented by Ms. Wasserman), who kept jumping up to get something from the kitchen. Each time he went past a palm tree that Mr. Bellow thought was very ugly, its fronds brushed his backside. Mr. Bellow watched this for a while, then he told Mr. Bloom, "Allan, now I know what that plant's good for." 3) Eddie Cantor once asked W.C. Fields why he never went swimming. Mr. Fields explained that while working in Atlantic City, he had to pretend to drown twelve times a day in front of a restaurant so that a huge crowd would gather, then seek refreshment. Mr. Fields told Mr. Cantor, "That's why I'm against water. I got enough in Atlantic City to last me a lifetime."

This is an easy-to-read retelling of Thomas Middleton's tragedy WOMEN BEWARE WOMEN. Reading this retelling first will make reading the original play much easier.Do you know a language other than English? If you do, I give you permission to translate this book, copyright your translation, publish or self-publish it, and keep all the royalties for yourself. (Do give me credit, of course, for the original retelling.)I would like to see my retellings of classic literature used in schools, so I give permission to the country of Finland (and all other countries) to give copies of any or all of my retellings to all students forever. I also give permission to the state of Texas (and all other states) to give copies of any or all of my retellings to all students forever. I also give permission to all teachers to give copies of any or all of my retellings to all students forever. Of course, libraries are welcome to use my eBooks for free.Teachers need not actually teach my retellings. Teachers are welcome to give students copies of my eBooks as background material. For example, if they are teaching Homer's Iliad and Odyssey, teachers are welcome to give students copies of my Virgil's Aeneid: A Retelling in Prose and tell them, "Here's another ancient epic you may want to read in your spare time."

Work¿ Pope John XXIII came from peasant origins. He once explained, "In Italy, there are three ways of losing one's money - women, gambling, and farming. My father chose the most boring of the three." By the way, when Pope John XXIII met a group of refrigerator salesmen, he said, "You are welcome though our jobs are distinct and far apart. Ours is to warm hearts."Zen¿ Here are some Zen anecdotes: 1) When some Western Zen students asked Zen master Taisen Deshimaru what people should do in their everyday lives, he replied, "Work, go to the toilet, eat; whatever you like." 2) Zen master Muso Kokushi (1275-1351) had high praise for his student, the shogun Takauji, saying that Takauji put in long hours of meditation even after a night of heavy drinking. 3) Zen master Soen Roshi sometimes played tricks on his Western Zen students. He would invite students to a sutra-chanting contest, then at its conclusion tell them there was no one winner because "Everyone is best!" 4) Zen master Soen Roshi was eccentric. He took the Zen motto of Bodhidharma - "Nothing holy" - seriously, so he sometimes conducted the tea ceremony using soda or coffee instead of tea. 5) A famous Zen poem by P'ang Yun ends with the lines, "My supernatural power and marvelous activity: / Drawing water and chopping wood."Zen¿ Here are two Zen stories: 1) At the end of his life, Zen master Ikkyu told his disciples, "After my death some of you will seclude yourselves in the forests and mountains to meditate, while others may drink sake and enjoy the company of women. Both kinds of Zen are fine, but if some become professional clerics, babbling about 'Zen as the Way,' they are my enemies." 2) Zen Master Takuan Soho was dying, so his disciples asked him for his last words. At first, Takuan Soho said that he had no last words, but his disciples really wanted a last message from him, so he picked up a paintbrush, wrote the character for "dream," and then died.

This is an easy-to-read retelling in modern English of Thomas Middleton's comedy A CHASTE MAID IN CHEAPSIDE.Do you know a language other than English? If you do, I give you permission to translate this book, copyright your translation, publish or self-publish it, and keep all the royalties for yourself. (Do give me credit, of course, for the original retelling.)I would like to see my retellings of classic literature used in schools, so I give permission to the country of Finland (and all other countries) to give copies of any or all of my retellings to all students forever. I also give permission to the state of Texas (and all other states) to give copies of any or all of my retellings to all students forever. I also give permission to all teachers to give copies of any or all of my retellings to all students forever. Of course, libraries are welcome to use my eBooks for free.Teachers need not actually teach my retellings. Teachers are welcome to give students copies of my eBooks as background material. For example, if they are teaching Homer's Iliad and Odyssey, teachers are welcome to give students copies of my Virgil's Aeneid: A Retelling in Prose and tell them, "Here's another ancient epic you may want to read in your spare time."

Some Sample Anecdotes: Activism ¿ On March 26, 1904, during a strike by miners in Colorado, union organizer Mother Jones was arrested on the orders of governor James P. Peabody, put on a train, taken to the border of Colorado, dropped off, and told never to return again. She took the first train possible back to Denver, then wrote Governor Peabody, "Mr. Governor, You notified your dogs of war to put me out of the state. ... I wish to notify you, governor, that you don't own the state. ... I am right here in the capital ... four or five blocks from your office. I want to ask you, governor, what in Hell are you going to do about it?" ¿ Maury Maverick, Jr., a lawyer and columnist, was a politician for a while and served in the Texas House of Representatives in the 1950s - the time of Joseph McCarthy, who used fear of Communism to censor people and keep them quiet. When a bill was introduced to invite Senator McCarthy to speak to the Texas legislature, Mr. Maverick introduced another bill that invited Mickey Mouse to speak - on the grounds that "if we are going to invite a rat, why not a good rat?" Actors ¿ Some actors are modest about their success. When he was asked about the secret of his success, Alfred Lunt once replied, "I speak in a clear voice and try not to bump into the furniture." Claude Rains, one of the wonderful supporting actors in Casablanca, once said, "I learn the lines and pray to God." According to Boris Karloff, whose most famous role was Frankenstein's monster, "You could heave a brick out of a window and hit ten actors who could play my parts. I just happened to be on the corner at the right time."

This is an easy-to-read retelling of Thomas Middleton and William Rowley's tragedy titled THE CHANGELING.

Some samples: 1) Ohio State University football coach Woody Hayes spent a lot of time visiting ill children in Children's Hospital. One day, he got a telephone call from a woman he didn't know, but who had a daughter-an Ohio State football fan-with cancer in Children's Hospital. Coach Hayes told his secretary that he was leaving for the day, he picked up a lot of Ohio States football memorabilia, and he headed to Children's Hospital, where he spent three or four hours with the girl and some other young Ohio State fans. Player Steve Myers, who was there, says, "When we got there, you could tell it meant everything to the girl, and all the kids there went berserk. ... Woody was just great to those kids." In addition, Mr. Myers says, "He did that stuff all the time, and it was always [Coach Hayes speaking], 'I don't want to read about this in the papers, do you understand?' He was that private about the things he did for people."2) Donna Delfino Dugay of Harper Woods, Michigan, grew up in California, where her family had a picnic at the beach when she was 11 years old. Her mother fixed each of the children a plate of fried chicken and potato salad, and then, Donna says, "When I looked up from my plate, my mother was fixing one more plate .... She turned away from us and walked over maybe 20 or 30 feet to where there was a man by himself. And he was picking his way through the trashcan. And my mother-I don't know whether she just put the plate there or whether she touched him gently or whether she said a few words-but I remember him turning to her in a gesture of thankfulness." Years later, when Donna asked her mother about this good deed, her mother claimed not to remember it; however, Donna says, "But for me, I remember it very well because for me, it was the touchstone for what good deeds became in my life."3) When World War II hero John F. Kennedy first entered politics, he became a United States Representative, and then he started campaigning for a seat in the Senate. While running for Senator, he campaigned in Fall River, Massachusetts, where many people were of French descent. Unfortunately, his Fall River manager, Ed Berube, made a notable mistake when he introduced Mr. Kennedy at the very first Fall River political meeting. Mr. Berube stood up and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to meet Congressman Joe Martin." Not only did Mr. Berube get Mr. Kennedy's name wrong, but Joe Martin was a Republican! Mr. Berube thought he would be fired, but Mr. Kennedy thought the mistake was funny and went ahead with his campaign speech, saying, "Maybe Ed would rather be working with Joe Martin, but I'd rather have him working for me."4) Groucho Marx once asked Melinda, his little daughter, what she did at nursery school. She replied, "Oh, Daddy, all we do is paint and go to the toilet." Groucho called this "the most accurate description of a nursery school that's ever been uttered."

This is an easy-to-read retelling of the medieval morality play EVERYMAN. Everyman must die and must give an account of his life to God. He must do this without delay, so after Death comes to him, he will have no time remaining to amend his life. His account will include his sins and his good deeds. This account of his life is called a reckoning.When you die, your wealth immediately leaves you. Your family and best friends will accompany you to your grave. (In this book, Everyman's family and best friends don't even do that.) Only your Good Deeds will go with you to plead your case before God on the Judgment Day. Do you know a language other than English? If you do, I give you permission to translate this book, copyright your translation, publish or self-publish it, and keep all the royalties for yourself. (Do give me credit, of course, for the original retelling.) I would like to see my retellings of classic literature used in schools, so I give permission to the country of Finland (and all other countries) to give copies of any or all of my retellings to all students forever. I also give permission to the state of Texas (and all other states) to give copies of any or all of my retellings to all students forever. I also give permission to all teachers to give copies of any or all of my retellings to all students forever. Of course, libraries are welcome to use my eBooks for free. Teachers need not actually teach my retellings. Teachers are welcome to give students copies of my eBooks as background material. For example, if they are teaching Homer's Iliad and Odyssey, teachers are welcome to give students copies of my Virgil's Aeneid: A Retelling in Prose and tell students, "Here's another ancient epic you may want to read in your spare time."

Soem samples:1) An impoverished cobbler once complained to R. Ezekiel that whenever he worked a little too long, continuing his work into the Sabbath, his neighbors reproached him. On the other hand, the factories of the richest Jew in town continued to be busy all during the Sabbath with chimneys belching smoke into the air, and no one ever reproached the rich Jew. R. Ezekiel explained that the cobbler's neighbors were looking out for him. Because the cobbler was poor, he was not able to enjoy many of the good things of this world. The rich Jew, on the other hand, because he was rich, was able to enjoy many of the good things of this world. Therefore, R. Ezekiel said, "That rich Jew enjoys this world, and if by desecrating the Sabbath he loses the world to come, at least he has something. But it is different with you. If you remain working after the holy Sabbath has begun, you will be in danger of losing both worlds."2) Emperor Fo-siu respected the Buddhist priest Si-tien and told him that he could have any treasure-including gold, silver, jewels, priceless works of art-he wanted, provided that he could carry it away in one trip. He then gave Si-tien the key to the royal treasure rooms. However, Emperor Fo-siu was surprised to see Si-tien return very quickly, leading a small girl by the hand. Emperor Fo-siu told Si-tien, "I wanted to give you something valuable, not a dirty orphan. Why did you choose her?" Si-tien replied, "In choosing the child, I chose many rewards-smiles, laughter, affection, small hands and feet, ribbons thrown about in disarray, and the love of a small child for a caring parent."3) Dorothy Parker declined to be weepy. When her husband, Alan Campbell, died, a friend stopped by and asked if he could do anything. Ms. Parker said no, but the friend insisted that there must be something he could do, so Ms. Parker said, "Well, if you insist, go to the corner and get me a tuna on rye, hold the mayo." Ms. Parker once said that she wanted her epitaph to say, "If you can read this, you're too close."4) Comedian Bill Hicks and his comedian friends loved to watch such religious programs as "The PTL [Praise the Lord and People That Love] Club." They used to make bets about how long it would take the preacher to stop talking about Jesus and start talking about dollars.

This is an easy-to-read retelling of the medieval morality play MANKIND, which was written circa 1470.

This is an easy-to-read retelling of John Lyly's THE WOMAN IN THE MOON, about Pandora, the first woman.Do you know a language other than English? If you do, I give you permission to translate this book, copyright your translation, publish or self-publish it, and keep all the royalties for yourself. (Do give me credit, of course, for the original retelling.)I would like to see my retellings of classic literature used in schools, so I give permission to the country of Finland (and all other countries) to give copies of any or all of my retellings to all students forever. I also give permission to the state of Texas (and all other states) to give copies of any or all of my retellings to all students forever. I also give permission to all teachers to give copies of any or all of my retellings to all students forever. Of course, libraries are welcome to use my eBooks.Teachers need not actually teach my retellings. Teachers are welcome to give students copies of my eBooks as background material. For example, if they are teaching Homer's Iliad and Odyssey, teachers are welcome to give students copies of my Virgil's Aeneid: A Retelling in Prose and tell students, "Here's another ancient epic you may want to read in your spare time."

John Lyly's comedy MOTHER BOMBIE is about the trials and tribulations of young lovers who go against their parents' wishes. It has a happy ending.Do you know a language other than English? If you do, I give you permission to translate this book, copyright your translation, publish or self-publish it, and keep all the royalties for yourself. (Do give me credit, of course, for the original retelling.)I would like to see my retellings of classic literature used in schools, so I give permission to the country of Finland (and all other countries) to give copies of this book to all students forever. I also give permission to the state of Texas (and all other states) to give copies of this book to all students forever. I also give permission to all teachers to give copies of this book to all students forever.Teachers need not actually teach my retellings. Teachers are welcome to give students copies of my eBooks as background material. For example, if they are teaching Homer's Iliad and Odyssey, teachers are welcome to give students copies of my Virgil's Aeneid: A Retelling in Prose and tell students, "Here's another ancient epic you may want to read in your spare time."

Living works of art tend to take joy in living. So how can we be a living work of art? Some ways include living a life of wit and intelligence, practicing an art, doing good deeds, paying attention to your soul as well as your body, staying angry at the things that should anger us, and being aware of the fabulous realities that surround us despite the presence of evil in the world. Here are some bumper-sticker condensations of ancient and modern wisdom: Resist Psychic Death, Do It Yourself, Resist Mindless Consumption, Don't Fear the Reaper, Maintain Maximum Cool, Do Good Now (and Maybe be a Hero), Love and Live Life, and Reality is Fabulous. Of course, more good advice is this: Dress Like a Work of Art.Here are some sample anecdotes and stories:1) In 2010, General Electric reported worldwide profits of $14.2 billion. Last year, you reported personal income of how much? Who paid more in American federal income tax? Chances are, you did. Why? Because in 2010 General Electric paid no American federal corporate income tax. (Neither did Bank of America, which got a $336 billion bailout in 2009 and paid no American federal corporate income tax in 2010. These facts upset lots of patriotic Americans who pay their fair share of taxes, and some began writing or rubber-stamping messages on $1 bills. One message says, "This is $1 more than GE has paid in taxes." Another says, "This is $1 more than the Bandits of America (BOA) paid in taxes." One way to show that you love your country is to pay your fair share of taxes.2) In June 2007 Dale Newlands took a bicycle ride with his three children beside the River Lednock in Comrie, Perthshire, Scotland. He stopped to mend the bike of Georgia, his six-year-old daughter, while Connor, his 11-year-old son, and Gemma, his nine-year-old daughter, biked ahead. Unfortunately, Gemma's bike hit some large rocks and she and her bike went down the 20-foot bank and into the river. She was trapped underwater with the bike on top of her. Connor soon realized that Gemma was no longer behind him, and he investigated. When he saw Gemma and her bike in the river, he scrambled down the riverbank and went into the water. He was unable to lift the bike off Gemma, but he held her head out of the water so she could breathe until their father arrived and lifted the bike off her. The children's mother, Joanne, said, "I couldn't believe that a simple family cycle ride had turned into such a nightmare. Connor didn't want any fuss and was keen to play down his part in the whole drama. We're so proud of him. Connor saved his sister's life - it's as simple as that. Gemma thinks he is the best brother in the world. He's our hero, and we owe him everything."3) In 1997, Tiger Woods won the Master's golf tournament and broke Jack Nicklaus' old record, becoming the first African-American and Asian-American to win the Master's. In 1975, the first African-American golfer ever to play in the Master's was Lee Elder, who was present in 1997 when Tiger won. Tiger saw Mr. Elder and walked up to him to say, "Thanks for making this possible."

Some samples: 1) In 1949, journalist James Morris married Elizabeth Tuckniss. Later, Mr. Morris got a sex change and became Jan Morris. Because of the sex change, the married couple was forced to divorce, but they continued to live together. In 2008, in a civil service ceremony, Jan Morris, now a writer, re-married Elizabeth Tuckniss. Ms. Morris pointed out, "I have lived with the same person for 58 years. We were married when I was young ... and then this sex-change, so-called, happened, so we naturally had to divorce ... but we always lived together, anyway. So, I wanted to round this thing off nicely. So last week, as a matter of fact, Elizabeth and I went and had a civil union." Ms. Tuckniss says, "After Jan had a sex change, we had to divorce. So there we were. It did not make any difference to me. We still had our family. We just carried on." Why do some marriages endure that seem unlikely to endure? British journalist Stuart Jeffries says, "You know what-it's none of our business. ... Enough that some mysteries remain just that."2) Actor Dule Hill played the personal aide to the President on the TV series "The West Wing." After three years of playing the role, he was honored when a full-page photograph of him appeared in a book about the series. He bought a copy of the book and gave it to his grandmother. Of course, she was very happy to receive the book. Looking at the full-page photograph of her grandson, she said, "Look what I lived to see." Mr. Hill says, "I remember that moment-knowing her journey. She'd worked as a seamstress, walked to the bus in the middle of winter.... It taught me that when you pursue your dreams and sometimes you keep working hard, working hard and you may not get the reward yourself-but for the grace of God, it all works out in the long run. That taught me a lot. You don't know what you do today how it affects tomorrow."3) Some people choose to live in very small houses, both because the houses are affordable and because they are good for the environment. In Madison, Wisconsin, Robert and Deborah Luther live in a very small house-396 square feet downstairs, and 156 (not-quite-finished) feet upstairs-on the shore of Lake Monona. Robert bought the house, then married Deborah. To get room for her to live in the very small house, he says, "I threw out half of my stuff so she could move in. She threw out the other half of my stuff." Another advantage of living in a very small house is that cleaning the Luthers' house takes only 25 minutes.4) It took decades for sculptor Louise Nevelson to become recognized as a major American artist. After she had become famous, a museum executive arrived 10 minutes late for a meeting with her, and he apologized. Ms. Nevelson replied, "What's 10 minutes? Where were you 10 years ago?"

Teachers may find this book useful as a discussion guide for Voltaire's satire CANDIDE Teachers can have students read chapters from the short novel, then teachers can ask students selected questions from this study guide.